Relationships Begin With Loving Yourself

by: Sandra T. Spalding, M.S., NCC, CCMHC

What is the art of giving of your self? What does it mean to have a relationship with another? What does sharing entail? Do I need to give up my personal power? Is personal power lost or given up when I am in a relationship with another? These are some of the questions that we are faced with many times in a given day. However, most of us do not deal with these questions on a conscious level. I find that we just act or react to emotional space or distance, subconsciously. It might be handy if this choice were made consciously, because then we are actively taking responsibility for the kinds of choices we make. Instead, a lot of us complain about what another is doing to us, rather than deciding what it is that we want and making it happen.

In order to solve some of the above issues, a few skills are needed. But first, we must look at the meaning of relationship. Here, I refer to a situation that occurs when you are not alone, when you are in contact with another. The contact could be via the telephone, by letter, watching television or face to face with another person.

In the example of the telephone, or speaking with another, we are actively talking out loud as we participate, share and listen. If it is reading a letter or watching television, you are not verbally communicating, but may be having an inner dialogue with yourself. You may be passively listening or you may be internally active. However, it would be handy to make a conscious choice, for it is not safe to give up your power to another source without choosing to do so.

This brings me to some basic rules or concepts of some healthy ways to relate with another. Personal power is something to which we are all entitled, but some of us were not raised in ways that taught and supported us in this. A lot of us have been trained to take care of others at the expense of self and then go around complaining how misused we feel.

So, first we must address the issue that one is entitled to decide what you need for yourself first in terms of rest, time spent alone to care for yourself, and your own personal needs. To one degree or another, this failure to care for yourself has left you burned out. If you don't give to self first, then you really don't have much quality to offer anyone else.

Secondly, boundaries are needed to feel good about yourself while you are with another. Where do you begin and where does the other person begin? This is a big problem in relationships. Who am I, separate and apart from you, and who are you, separate and apart from me? This recognition of boundaries is the first step. What are your needs as a separate entity and what and what art mine?

So, I am advocating the goal of two individual whole entities who are relating. I am not talking about two partial people getting together to make one. So, with this personal clarity of "this is who you are and this is who I an" getting together is fun because the boundaries are clear and workable.

In a relationship, let's imagine that there is 0 to 100% power potential for any one individual. Then, following this premise it would make sense that 50% power for each is the happiest place for any two entities to relate most of the time.

However, as you read this, ask yourself, "How do I feel when I relate to a meaningful partner in my life?" Do you feel that you are always giving in and are not getting your needs met, or are you even sure of what your needs are? Or, does it always have to be your way and on your terms?

This is important to ask because it may indicate that your partner may feel helpless or walked on, and ultimately this, too, will affect you. A relationship doesn't really work well unless the boundaries of each individual are clear, and that is the responsibility of each partner. It is not up to one to save the other. It is important to assert and say what you need, but it doesn't mean you will always get it.

The ability to share power is important - to be able to follow when needed and to be able to lead when needed. Power needs to be able to go back and forth. When this give and take can happen, it can indicate that this relationship has flexibility and each partner can choose to bend at times.

Setting limits is another component part to this forging of a successful relationship. To be able to hold on to what is important to you whether or not it displeases the other is vital. Of course, I am generalizing here. I do not mean that you should never bend, give in or be cooperative. I am talking about a regular pattern in personal experience of hardly ever getting what it is you want.

Some of us deal with this by not making a decision; instead we complain about what the other did to us. If you find yourself blaming and criticizing much of the time, you might want to ask, "How is it I am not taking care of myself?" A lot of us have been trained to blame and criticize rather than take the responsibility to decide and to own what we want. This helps us feel blame free.

I believe that adulthood requires us to learn to recognize what we want and to move toward getting it, rather than to remain passive and helpless and complain a lot. If we give up our personal power, we are forced to find a person or group to save us or tell us what to do. This can be dangerous. It invites the other over your 50% line and it gives them the right to tell you how to lead your life.

On the one hand, it feels safe because you have chosen to abdicate adult responsibility for your choices. However, it keeps your self esteem low; down people don't feel good about themselves. This giving up of personal power is also handy because it sets up the other to be blamed for what they did or didn't do. This type of relationship is a parent/child relationship rather than two equal adults working together.

So, for a healthy, working relationship, we ideally need two healthy, fully functional adults each of whom has the capability of knowing themselves and what they want or need. When working with another, you need to make yourself consciously aware at times of whether you are respectful of your partner's boundaries. Are each of you feeling empowered?

Remember to set limits for yourself. Remember that you are entitled to a good quality of life that is fined with personal care first, so that you may have something of quality to share with another. And no, this is not selfish. It is choosing to take care of your self first. Because if you are not your own best caretaker, who else has the vested interest to be it?

Others will not always love you for taking care of your self first, but the bottom line is that you must first love yourself before you are in a position to love another!

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