Self Awareness: An Archeological Dig

by: Sandra T. Spalding, M.S., NCC, CCMHC

In my last article I talked about how we have been trained to have an external focus. We have been trained to look outside ourselves and make an attempt to fix, control or adjust the people or situation that is causing us internal discomfort.

This is how most of us have learned to alleviate our pain and feel better. However, this often does not resolve much and frequently leads to interpersonal conflict if the other does not allow him or herself to be controlled. So this leads me to ask, how did we become trained to look the wrong way to solve our problems?

The societal focus up until now - and some would say including now - has been caught up in striving to get ahead economically while spending the rest of our time surviving. The Great Depression was a good example of an immense struggle just to stay fed, clothed and warm. A lot of energy went into these basics just to stay alive. This event points out dramatically that, as we look back in history, a good deal of our time and energy was spent meeting the necessary basic needs.

Also, the field of counseling is young. It is not until the 120 or 30 years that we have gained many more insights concerning emotional well being. These insights and knowledge continue to develop, grow and evolve. So, why then isn't it okay for each of us to continue to grow and evolve?

One of our biggest stumbling blocks, I believe, is that when we chronologically reach adulthood, it almost seems as if a decree falls upon us. Now that you are an adult, you are expected to know the answers to all things; if we do not know the answers we pretend to ourselves, perhaps first, and then others, that we are competent and can resolve whatever it is. This covert expectation and underlying assumption is a huge stressor by itself, and it can add to our internal stress as it demands that we be perfect. And, the need to be perfect does not leave any room open to new information and learning new ideas.

Life would be a lot easier if we would accept that it is ridiculous to expect that we, as adults, know all that we are supposed to know; after all, the reality is that life is trial and error learning a great deal of the time. So, I am suggesting that we let go of the need to be perfect - jump off this tightrope and leave space for new information which allows space for ongoing growth and continue to meet the challenge of life as we grow and become.

So you ask, where is she going? What is all this leading to? She does not always know because there are so many choices and so many routes to take. However, let's take a peek at an ideal healthy emotional environment for a child to grow up in.

I see a place where this child has time to learn about all of his or her feelings and is allowed to express them openly - a place of feeling equality. The child still has limits and rules, but feelings are freely expressed without ridicule or judgement.

How many of you can verbalize what you honestly feel, or, as a parent, allow your children to honestly express their feelings, especially the angry, "bad", negative feelings? I think more commonly, overtly and covertly, we shut down our own anger and anger in our children - perhaps because it scares us? But, the outcome of this outlet being closed leaves our angry feelings stuck inside, leading to another type of great depression.

One of the definitions of depression is anger turned on yourself. This feeling of heaviness is familiar but most of us do not recognize it or have the skills to repair it. So, now we find ourselves as adults, or as parents, living with a lot of buried pain and despair that we attempt to mask. However, we continue to teach and do what we know with our children - repeating and perpetuating the cycle of burying negative feelings deep within.

So, today's struggle is going to take the same or a greater amount of courage than that of the external great depression, if we are to improve our human plight. The first step is to recognize this societal problem and to know it is not our fault. As a matter of fact, it isn't anyone's fault.

I am talking about self-awareness, which is a relatively new concept. It promotes growth, healing and increasing human potential. One can read about it, learn about it and view it as an opportunity to explore one's self.

Imagine that you are an archeologist and you have just found the most amazing site for an archeological dig. The site is within you and the dig offers you an opportunity to unfold and marvel at more of what makes you truly unique and precious. This is what personal growth and change are about. Once we begin the process of change, it offers us, as a planet, new hope because it opens you to new ideas and methods concerning parenting your children.

Remember - a great deal of our pain lies within us, not outside of us. This is it! This is not a rehearsal for life - it is your life. Why not embrace it?

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